also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
