her vagine was all disorganized.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
