Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
