you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
