Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
