there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize