I'm lost and stupid without you.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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