I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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