she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
