i need an iv and a liver transplant
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
