True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
