either way he was missing a nipple.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
