You really coming over, don't trick.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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