remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
