I just made out with a guy for $7.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm bleeding and have questions
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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