i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize