Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
