I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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