Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
