so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
