video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
