when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
