i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize