just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
