Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
should my penis look like a turkey
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Success! We fucked roommates!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
