im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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