Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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