today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize