While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
