i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Randomize
