Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wish I only lived at night.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
