Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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