he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
