I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
This is classic penis vs brain.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
