and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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