New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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