I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
