Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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