I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
