I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Let the clothes fall where they may.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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