this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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