Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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