It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
