$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
