Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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