Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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