And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
