singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
