Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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