He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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