Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
