Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
