A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
thus making me awesome and them whores
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
