Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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