I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
