My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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