I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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