We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
