I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
she peed on how many people?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Randomize
