My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
