dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
