Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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